I am trying my hand at mindfulness. It is hard, however, to slow down and take stock of things as all of my attention/energy is focused on my little one pretty much all day...so I thought I'd try something new: doing a sort of reflection at night after she is in bed - in point form, as that's what seems to work for me these days!
Today I felt:
-uncomfortable and sad when my roommates yelled at their kid...actually I feel this almost all the time, whenever they interact with her...I know they say they have to 'train' her because she is on the autism spectrum and needs to learn how to properly interact, but the way they talk to her just doesn't feel right to me. It feels like they are mean, belittling, and bullying. She seems sweet and confused, and trained to be subservient. I also feel uncomfortable/sad with what I perceive her life to be, so far, after living here for only five days (so I may be wrong about all of this, but I'm trying to pay attention to how it all feels)...she has zero sense of order in her life, everything is so dirty and messy around her all the time, and she is always doing chores. And what's more, when she is doing chores, she is constantly being belittled and criticized rudely by her parents for doing things wrong, even when she asks for help. When I watch all of this I feel sad, very uncomfortable, like I want to protect her but it isn't 'my place' and I 'don't know the whole story'...I also feel confused, because they are so kind and respectful with their two year old, and they seem to be understanding, supportive, and communicative people in general. I don't want my daughter to see these types of interactions and think that they are ok.
-happy when I walked through my neighbourhood and talked to strangers.
-happy, and like I belonged, when we showed up at the park for our play group.
-a little ashamed of my nervous parenting, when a friend suggested I let her suck on the rocks she keeps wanting to put in her mouth instead of constantly taking them out.
-worried that my nervous parenting will negatively affect her, emotionally.
-nervous and proud and relieved when my roommates brought up things that had been brewing in my mind about our living situation, and I responded honestly.
-excited at the prospect of the possibility of another living situation with another single mom.
-stressed about the idea of moving again, and a small feeling of being devastated that it seems that I'll never be able to exhale and feel like I'm home, and things are stable.
-a little more relaxed after buying groceries.
-way more relaxed/at home after cleaning and tidying! and also after having the house to myself for a bit.
-proud of myself for saying 'this is awkward' when I felt awkward.
-happy to be a regular at the neighbourhood coffee shop, and happy to enjoy my food and drink I bought for myself.
-happy and proud about being able to interact at the play group with minimal nervousness!
-happy and proud that I am continuing on day #2 of this blog that I committed myself to.
I suppose this could go on and on,if I let it, but that seems to be the main feelings that I can recognize right now! It feels good to do this. :)
Until tomorrow...goodnight!
Thursday, 6 June 2013
Wednesday, 5 June 2013
The beginning.
This is the first post of my blog. My baby daughter and I just moved into our new house four days ago, and I promised myself that this would be something I would do, with our fresh start.
My ex-partner and I split up five months ago, when Alice was 7 months old. It was 'for the best', but still difficult. Not so much emotionally, the way it is when you are childless and break up with a girl/boyfriend, but more so in the day-to-day. I had wanted so badly for things to be a certain way in my child's first year, both for her, and for me: I had dreamed of this time for my whole life. It was, in fact, all I had ever wanted; and now instead of the bliss that you hear about experiencing during your baby's first year, I was completely taken over with just trying to maintain our life, on a day-to-day basis. I was going to say 'surviving', but it wasn't that we were poor, financially...I was just poor in energy, I guess you could say. Like I said before, there was so much that I wanted for this time in my life, and there was also, of course, so much I wanted for our life in general...now more than the bliss, the lullabyes, the soft light streaming through curtains onto my sweet sleeping child's face...I was thinking about things like what kind of home we could afford, and how in the world I could still stay home with her for the first few years of her life, which I was committed to with all my heart. I was thinking of these things, of money and homes and yes, even education...and I was also thinking things like: how can I shower? how many days until someone comes over and I can talk, laugh, and hand my baby over while I take out the garbage? And the part that breaks my heart, more than all of this, is that no matter how much love you have for your little one, it is so heart-crushingly difficult to be the parent you want to be when there is no one there to support you. It is so hard to have the energy to be the dream mom, when instead of spending hours gazing into your baby's eyes, you are spending every spare second you have trying to strategize how to get through the day. I had dreams of parenthood, and things are turning out quite differently...this blog is about reconciling that, I suppose, amongst other things. As I mentioned earlier, I committed to keeping this blog, and I am not quite sure what it has in store for me, but I guess, like my life - like all of our lives - it will take shape as it goes along.
Welcome. :)
My ex-partner and I split up five months ago, when Alice was 7 months old. It was 'for the best', but still difficult. Not so much emotionally, the way it is when you are childless and break up with a girl/boyfriend, but more so in the day-to-day. I had wanted so badly for things to be a certain way in my child's first year, both for her, and for me: I had dreamed of this time for my whole life. It was, in fact, all I had ever wanted; and now instead of the bliss that you hear about experiencing during your baby's first year, I was completely taken over with just trying to maintain our life, on a day-to-day basis. I was going to say 'surviving', but it wasn't that we were poor, financially...I was just poor in energy, I guess you could say. Like I said before, there was so much that I wanted for this time in my life, and there was also, of course, so much I wanted for our life in general...now more than the bliss, the lullabyes, the soft light streaming through curtains onto my sweet sleeping child's face...I was thinking about things like what kind of home we could afford, and how in the world I could still stay home with her for the first few years of her life, which I was committed to with all my heart. I was thinking of these things, of money and homes and yes, even education...and I was also thinking things like: how can I shower? how many days until someone comes over and I can talk, laugh, and hand my baby over while I take out the garbage? And the part that breaks my heart, more than all of this, is that no matter how much love you have for your little one, it is so heart-crushingly difficult to be the parent you want to be when there is no one there to support you. It is so hard to have the energy to be the dream mom, when instead of spending hours gazing into your baby's eyes, you are spending every spare second you have trying to strategize how to get through the day. I had dreams of parenthood, and things are turning out quite differently...this blog is about reconciling that, I suppose, amongst other things. As I mentioned earlier, I committed to keeping this blog, and I am not quite sure what it has in store for me, but I guess, like my life - like all of our lives - it will take shape as it goes along.
Welcome. :)
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